What I’ve Learned From Messing Up: Leadership Lessons from an Autistic Boss with ADHD

In my 10 + years as a boss, I’ve made some mistakes, but that’s part of learning and growing as a leader.

Even more so before I had the language for autism and ADHD, there was so much I didn’t understand about my brain. I would let my excitement or my instructs direct all of my decisions or my thinking. I might have reacted too quickly, speak when I should be listening, overreact when I didn’t have all of the context, or allow pattern recognition tell me more than it can. I’d chase dopamine. I’d let anxiety creep into team decisions. I thought that being in charge meant I needed to have all the answers all the time—and immediately.

And while I had good intentions, those instincts didn’t always serve me—or my team.

Since my late diagnosis, I’ve taken the time to consider how I lead more thoughtfully. I’ve reevaluate a lot of my leadership style. I’ve realized just how much my neurodivergence shaped the way I manage, communicate, and make decisions.

In my latest video, I walk through some of the biggest mistakes I’ve made as a young manager starting out not aware of their neurodivergence and what I do on this side of my diagnosis. If you’d rather read this advice, no problem, below the video is the heart of what I’ve learned:

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1. I Used to React Instead of Getting Curious

In my early manager days, I treated every issue like a fire. I’d react immediately—especially if something triggered my stress response or rejection sensitivity. I’ve since learned to pause, ask better questions, and seek context before jumping to conclusions. I’m far more aware of the feelings in my body and know what to do now. A lot of this started as emotional intelligence training before my late diagnosis, which served me well on the other side of learning about my AuDHD status.

Questions like:

• “Can you walk me through what happened?”

• “What context might I be missing here?”

• “Say more about that”

Leading with curiosity instead of judgment has saved relationships, built trust, and prevented unnecessary conflict.

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2. I Let Anxiety Set the Agenda

There were times I let my executive-level stress spill into team priorities. Leadership-level changes would set me spinning—and I’d redirect my team too quickly, disrupting their focus.

I’ve learned that part of leadership is holding space for anxiety without passing it on. That means asking:

• “Is this truly urgent, or is this my anxiety talking?”

• “What’s the most supportive way to communicate this shift to my team?”

• “Is this really what we should be focusing on right now?”

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3. I Let ADHD Take the Wheel

Every new idea felt urgent. I’d pivot constantly, asking my team to start something new. My brain was chasing dopamine, but my team was getting whiplash.

Now, I try to document my ideas first. I hold space for brainstorming—and try to not act impulsively. I invite the team into decision-making and trust them to say, “Now’s not the time.” It’s made a huge difference in morale and productivity.

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4. I Talked When I Should’ve Listened

My work is my special interest to the point of monotropism. So obviously, I love talking about it and I love teaching about it. But being the first (and loudest) voice in the room often silences others and doesn’t allow for growth or learning. I get excited and ADHD often makes it feel like those ideas are bubbling over and that I will go crazy if I don’t blurt them out and interrupt people. Or I worry I might forget the idea or lose it entirely.

Here again, I try to write it down or capture the idea first and I often (try to) speak last in meetings. I hold back, listen to my team, and let their ideas take the floor. It doesn’t just build collaboration—it leads to better outcomes.

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5. I Clung to Rigid Rules

Rigid rules or rigid thinking can be the curse of every manager. I have always hated the phrase: “because we’ve always done it this way” because it limits ideas, ownership and possibilities. Before my diagnosis, I didn’t realize how much I relied on rigid thinking. I wanted people to do things exactly the way I would. But that stifled creativity and autonomy.

One of the most powerful shifts I’ve made is learning to release control. I now use the “gradual release of responsibility” model—supporting people as they learn something, then stepping back so they can own it fully.

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What I’m Still Practicing

• Delegating even when I think “It’s faster if I do it myself!”

• Giving myself time to process instead of responding in the moment

• Avoiding shame-based reactions when someone makes a mistake

• Rewriting old scripts about what it means to be “professional”

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I’d Love to Hear From You

What mistakes have you learned from as a manager—or as someone being managed?

Are there things you wish your boss had known about working with ADHD or autism?

Drop a comment below or hit reply if you're reading this via email. I always love hearing how others are navigating this work.

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#NeurodivergentLeadership #AutismAndADHD #ADHDAtWork #AuDHD #LeadershipTips #ManagerLife #CorporateCulture