Masking Saved Me — Until It Didn’t
A conversation on identity, survival, and healing with Dr. Megan Anna Neff
The concept of autistic masking has always been my “ah-ha” moment that led to my autism diagnosis. Recognizing I had been masking my entire life — and not having the word to describe that feeling was a moment of clarity.
It wasn’t a choice I made consciously. It was something I learned before I had language. Something I developed to stay safe, to hide my queerness or to blend in or camouflage. I was (and continue to be) a perfect chameleon for whatever situation I could find myself in. And once I started to unravel that, to really sit with it… I realized a whole different person inside of me.
That’s what this week’s conversation is about.
Dr. Megan Anna Neff (she/they) — psychologist, author, and founder of Neurodivergent Insights — joined me again for a more personal and layered conversation. In her newest book; The Autistic Burnout Workbook, Dr Neff has a chapter dedicated to the connection between masking our autism and autistic burnout and what we can do to unmask and, when we need to, how to mask with a plan. We begin our conversation on how we can mask without even knowing it, the cost of masking, and the slow, often emotional work of unmasking and reclaiming our identity.
🧠 What is masking, really?
Masking was once described as a social strategy — a way for autistic folks to blend in. But as Megan Anna shared, that definition is painfully incomplete and out of date.
Masking isn’t just a strategy. It’s a trauma response. It’s survival.
For many of us, it starts in childhood, sometimes (as it did for me) before we can even articulate what’s happening. It’s the learned instinct to hide our joy, to adjust our tone, to rehearse our smiles, to mimic the people around us — all to avoid punishment, rejection, or misunderstanding.
We don’t just mask traits. We mask our entire selves.
⚖️ Masking gives us safety — and steals from us, too
There are privileges that come with being able to mask. For some, masking provides access: to jobs, to safety in public, to smoother relationships. But that protection comes at a cost.
The cost? Burnout. Anxiety. Depression. Loss of self. For some of us, OCD spirals that tell us we’re bad people for performing, even when we had no choice.
Dr Neff highlights that when I mask I was “locking your joy away.” That hit me hard. Because that’s what masking often requires — hiding what makes you feel safe, regulated, and alive. It was not just hiding my autistic joy, but hiding my queer joy as well.
🎭 “I used to think I was manipulative…”
Before I had language for masking, I often worried I was being manipulative — adjusting myself in every situation, trying to mirror people to make them comfortable.
But it wasn’t manipulation. It was self-protection.
When I finally learned words like camouflaging and mimicking, it was like finding the owners-manual for my brain. And I’ve heard the same from so many others. There’s this collective grief that hits when we realize we weren’t broken — we were surviving.
🏳️🌈 Unmasking is queering
Dr Neff introduced me to the term: Neuroqueering. For me, coming out late in my mid-30’s was the start of my unmasking process. Finally feeling safe to come out was the ignition that led to understanding my ADHD and then my autism. The overlap between queerness and unmasking has been a critical awakening. It was stepping into my identity and finally feeling free.
Megan Anna shared how tossing out uncomfortable, gendered clothing was one of the first steps for her. That single act — just choosing what felt good — opened the door to gender exploration, sensory reclamation, and so much more.
🪞 You don’t have to unmask all at once
We talk a lot in this space about “unmasking” like it’s a switch — like you either do it or you don’t.
But it’s not that simple. And it shouldn’t be.
Sometimes masking is still necessary. Sometimes it’s strategic. Sometimes it keeps us safe. And that’s okay.
What matters is that we get to choose when and where we unmask — and who earns the right to see us that way.
🤝 Identity work needs community
There’s a myth that self-discovery is a solo journey. But identity work, especially when you’re neurodivergent, is best done with others.
We need people who reflect us back to ourselves with compassion. We need community to help us name what we’re feeling. We need to be witnessed — especially when we’re messy and still figuring it out.
This is one of those conversations I’ll come back to again and again — and I hope it brings you the same clarity and comfort it brought me.
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🎧 You can listen to the full podcast above, or watch the entire interview on YouTube. If you’d like a transcript of this conversation visit Audhdboss.com
📬 And if this resonates, please hit reply and tell me what came up for you — I’d love to hear how you’re navigating your own masking and unmasking journey.
Brett
The AudHDBoss
#autism #masking #unmasking #neurodivergent #ADHD #identity #burnout #mentalhealth #neurodiversity #queerandneurodivergent #DrMeganAnnaNeff
🧠 More from Dr. Neff:
👉 neurodivergentinsights.com
💼 More from me:
👉 audhdboss.com — coaching, resources, podcast archive
📸 Instagram: @audhdboss
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