Finding a Workplace Where I Belong
Highlights from my conversation with career coach Alex Lahmeyer
When I think about interviewing for my next job, something that is different this time for me:
How do I safely talk about being neurodivergent and queer?
And how do I know if a workplace is really going to be a good fit for me?
That’s exactly why I wanted to talk with Alex Lahmeyer, a queer, non-binary, and neurodivergent career coach and talent consultant who “helps people take the guesswork out of career moments that matter.” They’ve coached dozens of LGBTQ+ and allied professionals, helped over 25 organizations design more inclusive workplaces, and have been featured in more than 30 articles, videos, and podcasts — including Fast Company, Lattice, Culture Amp, and Recruiting Daily.
Today’s post features some highlights from our conversation which are taken directly from the interview, which you can also see below. If you prefer to listen, I have a podcast link at the very bottom of today’s post.
“We don’t realize how much energy we spend trying to assess the situation.”
I opened our conversation by talking about something Alex named for me in his newsletter a few weeks ago; how different I feel when I walk into affinity spaces:
“When I’m in ERG spaces where I know everybody’s queer and I know everybody’s neurodivergent, there’s a certain shift in me… the masking comes off a little bit, my shoulders relax, and I feel more of a creative energy.”
Alex explained why:
“So often we feel something innately in the moment, but we don’t always pick up on why. When we’re the only person in the room, we spend so much of our energy trying to assess the situation. Instead of just focusing on the work, we’re thinking: is everyone understanding what I’m saying? How am I coming across? Especially with queerer identities and neurodivergent identities, there’s this aspect of masking or covering and disclosure. We’re negotiating in the moment how much to share.”
And when your brain is doing all that work, it can be draining and take away from the cognitive energy I need for other tasks and work.
“When we’re in a space where people get us and aren’t going to judge us or misunderstand us, we feel safer — and more of our cognitive energy goes toward the work itself.”
Interviewing is a two-way assessment — not a power imbalance
I’ve told others this for years and Alex reminded me of this exact point, which many of us forget:
“We think the interviewer has all the power. But we forget we have agency too. Workplace inclusion is a two-way assessment.”
Their advice?
Don’t walk into an interview trying to be “the ideal candidate.”
Walk in knowing what you need.
And when it’s time for you to ask questions, skip the broad, vague ones like:
“How does your company think about DEI?”
Alex said:
“That’s a really broad question — you’ll get a broad answer.”
Instead, get specific:
“If regular one-on-one time with your manager is important to you, ask: ‘I do my best work when I get regular one-on-one time with my manager. How do you enable managers to have the time and resources to do this?’”
Specificity gives you real answers — and real signals.
How to safely ask about LGBTQ+ inclusion
I asked Alex how to navigate asking LGBTQ+-related questions without outing yourself. They said:
“This is tricky… some questions might out you. So figure out what’s most important to you and how much you want to share in that moment.”
Examples Alex gave:
all-gender restrooms
pronoun usage
how people share and ask about pronouns respectfully
whether the organization has affinity spaces or ERGs
The key is to ask about the structure without having to disclose your identity upfront.
Starting an ERG: “Find a couple people and just meet.”
If you’ve been a follower of my work for any amount of time you know how much I lover Employee Resource Groups or ERG’s. Alex has a background in helping organizations create and maintain ERG’s. These are gentle starts to accommodations. I noted how many companies now have ERGs, and asked Alex how people can start one if their company doesn’t.
Their advice was surprisingly simple:
“You don’t necessarily need a formal ERG to find community. But if you want more structure, start by finding 2, 3, 4 people who share your identity or interest and just meet. Go get lunch, have coffee, go for a walk. Talk about what’s going on in their worlds work-wise and what they need from a sense of community at work.”
Only once you know what the group actually needs should you bring in HR or a DEI partner.
And yes — strength in numbers matters.
Keeping ERGs going in 2025: listen to your members
As I write this, our political situation in the U.S. does make it hard for many identity-focused ERG’s in corporate environments to thrive without worry. I asked Alex about how we can keep our ERG’s going today. Alex shared how ERG leader burnout is real — and often goes unspoken.
“Sometimes leaders plan events and no one shows up, or they post in a Slack channel and no one reacts and they think, ‘What have I done?’ Go back to your roots. Talk to people. Figure out what they need.”
In an ever-changing DEI landscape, they emphasized:
keep ERGs open to everyone
be very clear about what you offer and who it’s for
partner with other ERGs
revisit your charter, mission, goals, and scope
And the big reminder:
“You’re not HR. You’re not therapists. You can’t do everything.”
Networking when you’re neurodivergent: call it “community building”
I admitted that I hate networking.
“With my autism and ADHD, networking can be really difficult. But if I have a vehicle like ERGs, I can network with ease.”
Alex immediately got it:
“You’re not alone. A lot of people bristle at networking. We have the wrong idea about it — thinking we need to show up to a mixer with a hundred strangers and hope something magically works out.”
Their reframe:
“Think of networking as community building. Community is built around shared values and shared purpose — where we ask for what we need and offer what we can.”
So instead of chasing big networking events, Alex recommends:
queer professional groups
neurodivergent-friendly communities
identity-plus-industry spaces (e.g., “queer people in tech”)
online communities if in-person events are too much
When you keep showing up to the same spaces, you naturally meet people who share your values.
About Alex’s coaching
Alex describes their coaching as helping people find “inner clarity” in career transitions, job searches, workplace politics, self-advocacy, and professional development.
They work mostly with queer folks navigating “moments that matter,” and offer:
1-hour power sessions
3- and 6-month coaching packages
Pay-what-you-can slots for queer and trans folks with financial constraints
“We deserve a career that honors who we are and what we need — not just who we think we should be.”
Listen to the full interview
🎧 Watch/listen to the full conversation with Alex:
🌈 Learn more about Alex’s coaching and newsletter:
https://alexlahmeyer.com